Own your life, you are not a victim!

Do you often find yourself caught in drama, amidst stories, gossip, judgments, conflicting situations? Are you known to your friends as the “Queen or King of Drama”. I was the queen of drama for a long time! LONG, LONG time! Every job I had, I was caught in some sort of trivial dispute.  Something had to be the matter, everywhere I went.  Some friends called me “El Niño”, I now see why!

Once, I wanted to act as a volunteer in a big NGO and even as a volunteer there was drama. The vice president decided she didn’t want me to volunteer anymore. Not content with that, she called all top team players (including the NGO’s president!) and I was caught in the middle of a finger pointing session, which boiled down to – what she described as – me being too thirsty to reaching for the water pot! Oh how I was caught in the “poor me” frame of mind then! “Poor me, all I wanted to do was volunteer my time and energy to help others and look what happens! This always happens to me”! 

Showing up in the world from a victim’s position is extremely common and at the same time so hard to detect. Therefore, we can remain victims for years and some remain victims their whole lives.

A victim always believes things “happen to him”. A victim blames others for everything that happens. It’s the “It’s not my fault that…” way of thinking.

Here’s the thing, thinking about fault is absolutely useless. Nothing is anybody’s fault, things happen to us because we have to learn. We are here in this world to constantly grow, evolve and change and this is the only certain thing in life. Rather we choose to think about it or not, accept it or not, we are always growing and changing (are you the same as you were 15 years ago?). Those who understand and make the best of this are never caught in a victim position, they are owners of their lives and their circumstances.

A victim will always try to find someone or something to blame for what happens to him. In contrast, an owner will look at the situation and try to find:

1) What was his responsibility in the situation – not to blame himself but to understand what he is doing to be caught in it.

2) What lesson can he learn form what happened? What is the most important thing he can get from this story?

3) What can he DO NEXT – what can he change in himself, in his environment, in his choices -  which will free him from being caught in similar situations.

In my above example with the "NGO witch who was after me" (!!), it took me years to look back on it and be able to understand how I was responsible. I learned that the way I plunge into projects with all my energy and soul, might seem threatening to others. Therefore, I now try to keep my cool, especially with those who haven't worked with me before. This makes relationships less threatening and in turn, much more efficient.

When we start seeing ourselves as agents/owners of our own circumstances we understand that we have choices and that everything that happens to us is an opportunity for growth and learning. One who is always aware of how he can use circumstances in his favor will never be caught in a victim frame of mind, simply because he is too busy powerfully restructuring himself and his circumstances in order to get different results next time.

Instead of blaming others, the economy, the universe, your karma - choose to live your life powerfully! Extract the lessons from everything that comes your way and adapt according to that knowledge! 

Remember - It's not about you!

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, 
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, 
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

This has been my mantra these days!

I am working on a new project and have tried contacting various companies for a possible collaboration.  Of course, this being Greece in 2011, immersed in one of the worst economic periods since the world and civil wars, most things work-related are either stagnant or evaluated with extreme caution.  I have recently had the fortunate experience of speaking to one (not so) probable collaborator who went to the extreme of viewing my intentions so suspiciously he actually treated me in an inappropriate manner. I say it was a fortunate experience because it reminded me of this valuable lesson I am humbly passing on to you today.

VIA Kitsap Sun

Being treated like a derelict was very upsetting and I felt my blood getting hot, hot, hotter as my reflexive desire was to tell that person to take a hike all the way where the sun don't shine! I didn't of course, but was not half as unperturbed as I wish I had been.


Of course, as with all lessons worth learning, I felt the hard blow to my stomach. I felt beaten both when I was being mistreated and later on, when I reflected on my own reactions and the guilt of not rising above it crept all over my body, like an unwanted vine, growing too fast to be properly trimmed. Guilt! Hmmmffff!!! More on this one on a later post!

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

I once attended a very enriching 8 day group psychotherapy retreat called The Hoffman Quadrinity Process. I highly recommend it to anyone who could do with a different view to life, a new way of seeing him/herself and the world and is serious about welcoming some profound transformations! There was one particularly enlightening exercise which I always recall as it was invaluable in my understanding of why we should NEVER take things personally.

My intention is not to disclose what goes on in this remarkably life changing residential course of self discovery and personal evolution, so all I can say is that I understood how someone I disliked at first sight, only became a target of my disapproval due to my own history. See, the thing is, after closer (and very honest) inspection, I realized the person I "disliked" simply made me feel uncomfortable because she stared with intensely inquisitive blue eyes. Much like my mother stared at me when I was growing up and at times sensed I had done something wrong. Even though my own mother was not blessed with a pair like those swimming pool blue eyes I so disliked, just that similar prying look unconsciously took me back to days when I was small and defenseless and mom was tall and all knowing and her eyes never let me forget that!

Now, are you ready to see how much crazier it gets?

First, this information was tucked so deep within me, it took much work in a subconscious level to understand that one thing led to the other.  Relating the fact that the person I disliked had something in common with my mother was tremendously revealing in itself.

Then, even when I did understand why I disliked that person, which was not because of who she was, what she represented or believed in, but about MY own inner mismatch, it still took me a long many years to realize that maybe my mother's eyes weren't prying at all. Maybe, just maybe, her look was simply intense, or it could be she was so far lost in her own thoughts that she stared at me in what seemed to me an intense way. Or, yet maybe, I was so scared of being caught red handed by that tall and corpulent mother of mine, that my short, little body and brain interpreted her look to be prying.

Literally, whatever another person thinks of you is his own business.

Can you see why from my example?

I'll take it a step further: Think of someone you have a problem with (dislike, can't communicate, feel nervous around, want to punch the living daylights out of).
Now think of a way in which this person might remind you of something or someone in your past. Could be through physical similarities, maybe a smell or tone of voice. Could be something as irrational as the shape of his head or the way she holds her pen! The link could be anywhere!  Just beam your awareness, invite your inner voice to guide you and you will soon find why this person annoys the heck out of you!

When (not if) you are fortunate enough to find the connection, I guarantee your negative thoughts and emotions towards this person will, if nothing else, seem lighter and milder. It will take you one step closer to realizing that you, and only you, have the power to make or break your day!

Are you still going to take it personally?!

Imaginary Friend: Friend or Foe?

My nephew has an imaginary friend! He talks to him all the time and includes him in family discussions. He sometimes gets angry at his friend and at times laughs his head off with him! It was all very confusing at first, but we soon found out more about those make believe buddies.

According to a study conducted by Elaine Reese, associate professor of Otago University, and Gabriel Trionfi, of Clark University, children with imaginary friends have more advanced narrative skills than those who don't have imaingary friends. That is probably due to the fact that children with imaginary friends included more conversation in their fiction stories.

Parenting expert, Armin Brott, says imaginary friends are wonderful for stimulating creativity and even acting as a confidant when there is no one else to talk to.

Nevertheless, you do have to remember, children need contact with other children to learn about those ever important socialization skills. Also, help your child understand that shifting responsibility for wrongdoings to his/her imaginary friend is ok once in a while, but that does not mean that he can be exempt from responsibilities.

So if your kid introduces you to a friend you can't exactly see, greet him with respect as this relationship is bringing more advantages than "meets the eye".