Are you a man or an ostrich?

So here's the situation: you have a client who is not satisfied with your product/service. He sends you an email complaining or sharing his discontentment. What do you do? Do you answer him straight away or do you leave answering him on your to do list, secretly hoping that the problem will go away?

Another situation: You have promised a friend you will meet for drinks or dinner to catch up. At the end of a busy day you are really tired and all you want to do is go home, take a shower and crawl under the covers. What do you do? Do you call and let him know how you're truly feeling? Do you decide not to call him and hope he won't call you either? Do you avoid him and let the phone ring when he calls thinking "I'll call him tomorrow and give him a good excuse"?

Third situation: You are casually seeing a man or woman and decide that you don't want to take it any further. Fair enough. How do you deal with it? Do you think of a way of telling the person? Do you decide that you will never answer his phone calls or her emails again and that will hopefully get your message across? Or do you pick a fake fight so that the person can hate you forever?

There are times we don't want to deal with the situations that come our way. It's only human to want to let things pass or let the days go by, wishing the other person will forget or will think about it more lightly. What we tend to forget in these situations is to put ourselves in the other person's shoes. How would I feel if I asked my friend to meet up and she didn't answer the phone? How would I feel if I wrote to a company's service center and got no answer in return? How would I feel if I were casually seeing someone and they just drifted out of my life, leaving things unsaid?

It takes courage to face up to situations we don't want to deal with. What's important to understand is that this courage, the one needed to face circumstances we would rather forget, is the same courage that's needed for creating anything in our lives. Because when one lives with courage, he lives with courage in all situations, not only one or another.

Living with courage means being responsible for your words, your actions, your commitments. Knowing that what you say and do can affect someone and what you DON'T say or do can too.  Living with courage is about being transparent. Being transparent allows you to be in touch with your personal power. You are most powerful when you don't have to "hope" that someone won't see you, or "wish" that another person won't call you or "pray" that someone else will just forget about what happened between you.

You are what you are and you let the other person know. If he likes it, that's great! If she doesn't, that's great too! At least you will both know that you can't take this relationship (be it personal or professional) any further. When you have all situations settled, even when they are hurtful, even when you would much rather not deal with them, you can walk with your head up high.

How powerful is an ostrich? How much power does he exude by burying his head in the sand? How powerfully are you showing up? Do you want to be remembered as a great (wo)man or a great big ostrich?

How to keep on keeping on

I was having a conversation with a wise friend last night who gave me a simple yet very valuable advise. She said: "You can always press the reset button"!

That made me think of all the entrepreneurs who have given their all at times and have only gotten no's or have gotten very little interest for all the work, energy and love they've put into creating their project. I've been there, I know how it feels!
It's very frustrating when you give, give, give and receive nothing (ok, maybe next to nothing) in return. I have had several clients tell me their biggest derailment is that they have given so much and have gotten way too little back. Together, we work on how to identify, understand and surpass feelings of disappointment and fear. The disappointment is often so enormous it stops great ideas in their tracks.

Here's the thing, as a society we are programmed to talk about and follow only success stories. They sell! They are the ones that keep us daydreaming, away from the here and now, wishing we were like X or had the brains of Y.
Startups that have bloomed "overnight" seem fascinating to us probably because of the magical quality we assign to them.  If you look close enough though, you will always find a tired and still motivated entrepreneur.
Entrepreneurs who believe in themselves and their product or idea always press the reset button, even after their hopes have been shattered time and time again.

Pinterest, the new talk of the town social network, had "catastrophically low numbers" for some time, as CEO Ben Silbermann puts it. In January of this year, it was said to have 16.1 million users in the USA alone.

Brent Hoberman, cofunder of Lastminute.com didn't have the company's domain name even after having raised money for his venture. The original owner of Lastminute.com refused to sell the name. He received a "NO" four times before being able to convince the seller it was a good idea to pass the name over. Do you keep on trying even after you have received a "No"? Two "No's"? Three "No's"?

Pressing the reset button requires courage. Courage to try one more time. To try even if your idea has been scrutinized, ridiculed or simply (sometimes the hardest of all) ignored.  To try even if you are tired and all you would rather do is go to a sandy beach, lie under the sun like a tough skinned lizard sipping coconut water.

On the other hand, pressing the reset button is immensely liberating! You know that however bad things might seem to be, however discouraged you may feel, you have a chance for a new beginning. A new possibility. If that fails too, you can press the reset button again, and again and again and again! Your amount of courage and energy to press the reset button is regulated by you alone, and that, is an entrepreneur's most valuable weapon.

How a baby step can affect your dream

I had a dream, a secret dream, for many years. I don't discuss it much, probably out of fear. I have a Greek background, where the "Evil Eye" is a very real thing and sharing our desires and accomplishments is sometimes forbidden. Someone might project their evil eye on you, and then believe me, you are in big trouble!   

Back to the dream, which I have shared with only a handful of people and have right this moment decided to announce to the world! Since I was a little girl, curiosity has been my greatest companion. I am curious about every single thing that comes my way. I want to know everything about everything. If you ask me the reason, I won't be able to explain it to you. I have now learned to say: "it's my nature to be curious" which has helped me accept this characteristic. Curiosity is accompanied by another gift - that of pursuing information. At times, I have gone through great lengths to track information that wouldn't affect my life in the least bit. At other times, the information I gathered was life changing. I guess that's how my dream comes in. Enough stalling, my secret dream, ever since I was a young girl, was to work in a secret intelligence agency! All the famous ones have crossed my mind! All different situations as well!

So one of these days I caught myself thinking: you are a coach, you help people follow their dreams and make things happen for themselves in a courageous way, why is it that you have never tried to make this dream come true?

And this is what I want to talk about today. 

The difference between a dream and a project!

I know of so many people who have dreams just like mine. Impossible dreams some might call them. I have come to the understanding that there is no such thing as an impossible dream and I will share with you my thoughts on this. 

If you have a dream and you really want it to come true, you have to turn it into a project. 

The difference between a dream and a project is that the dream is always in our mind. On the other hand, the project requires steps to be made.

The first step that I took in order to evaluate if I really wanted my dream to become a project, was to ask myself: "what will have to change in my life in order for this dream to become a project?" The moment I took some time to ponder on this question, I knew that working in an intelligence agency would remain a dream forever. So many things had to change in my life if I were to pursue such a dream, that the dream suddenly became more appealing than the project. 

So I invite you to ask yourself: what will inevitably have to change in your life if you are to transform your dream into a project? If you decide that you are happy about the changes that need to occur, then I ask you the following question: what is the next step you can take to turn your dream into a project. 

No dream will become a reality if you don't take the next step forward. It doesn't have to be a big step. Baby steps are just as welcome, because they are steps no less. The secret is to get into action. Inaction will at its best, allow your dream to remain a dream forever.

To get out of the dream and into the project, you have to take a step forward. What will your first step be? What about your second step? Can you think about that one? It's imperative that you start writing down your steps. Writing things down is a way to ground your thoughts and also gives you a good milestone, a great way to check where you were and where you are at every given moment. Also, by getting it down on paper you can create a strategy, list important aspects such as the internal and external resources available and needed that will help you make things happen. 

All this starts with a next step. Never underestimate the power of a baby step! It will make the difference between living in dreamland forever or realizing the project that will have you proud for the rest of your life! 

Celebrating Women

"Healthy wolves and healthy women share certain psychic characteristics: keen sensing, playful spirit, a heightened capacity for devotion. Wolves and women are relational by nature, inquiring, possessed of great endurance and strength. They are deeply intuitive, intensely concerned with their young, their mates and their pack. They are experienced in adapting to constantly changing circumstances; they are fiercely stalwart and very brave.

Yet both have been hounded, harassed, and falsely imputed to be devouring and devious, overly aggressive, of less value than those who are their detractors. They have been the targets of those who would clean up the wilds as well as the wildish environs of the psyche, extincting the instinctual and leaving no trace of it behind. The predation of wolves and women by those who misunderstand them is strikingly similar."
Excerpt from "Women Who Run With Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Happy International Women's Day to all strong, playful, intuitive, intense and brave women out there!
You are powerful beyond your belief!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8zMBoQ6WdQ

What's your story?

What's stopping you from being who you want to be?
What's stopping you from doing what you want to do?

What story do you feed in your mind about yourself that stops you from taking the next step to get to where you REALLY want to get?

I will tell you my favorite story if you promise to spend some time on this question.

For me, it was: "I am not enough"!
Having had the fortune (and I say this with all my heart as I truly feel blessed for my upbringing) of being born the younger child, comparisons are the norm rather than the exception, in most cases. The older child is kind of freed from that burden, given that anything he/she does is "oohhhh soooooo cccuuuuutteee!!!"

It is usually from the second child on that roles are assigned and comparisons are made.

"My first is so sociable, while my second is so alienated!"

" Bobby is the smart one, Danny is the funny one and Lola is the angel"

"I had no problem when the older one first went to school, yet the younger one gave me such trouble! He's going to be a rebel, I can see it!"

We are given roles, titles and guess what? Little Danny, sweet Lola and all of us do EVERYTHING to fulfill the role our parents assign to us! How can we not? We love them so much! Plus, what do we know? Our parents are so tall and all knowing!!

There is a natural mechanism inside our unconscious mind that thinks: "If I do become sociable as you always say I am, will you love me more? If I act like the smart one, will you love me more?"

I was the ugly one!
When I was a small baby, my father thought I was so ugly! My first years didn't make much of an impact on him either. I was still the ugly one.
On the other hand, my older sister was beautiful! She was a beauty queen ever since she was born, bless her, she still is to this day, may I add! A real head turner!

So the first "I am not enough" was born, right around the time I was too: I was not pretty enough!

Years went by and "not-pretty-enough" little me joined older sister in going to school. We are 5 years apart, which gave her a good head start at learning how to be the "proper, beautiful girl" in school. She was, from grade 1 until the very last day of high school, on the top 1% of the dean's list! Academically, she was a star! There was rarely a B in her report card, God forbid a C or D (OK, maybe in P.E. - being so tall and having such long legs (!!!) meant she was a little clumsy).

How could little me compete with that? Automatically, I became the "not smart enough" child! Oh how I lived up to that one!! This role was enforced by my teachers. I still recall one who asked me a question and I, of course, was too busy involved with my neighbor's jokes to know the answer. To which I received a: "Your sister would have known the answer"! She didn't have to actually do it, yet "You are not smart enough" was written all over the blackboard-for everyone to see!

I was simply not enough! Or so little me thought!

It took me years of therapy and coaching to realize that this is the story I created in my mind to keep me in my "comfort zone". Painful as it might feel sometimes, being in the role our almost prophet-like parents designate for us is always desirable. We foster a secret hope for their approval, and sometimes die trying to get it!

What is your story? What role have you fulfilled in life?

Are you lazy?

Are you not prepared enough?

Are you a magnet for disaster?

Are you a bad boy/girl?

Awareness is the first step to change. Spend some time on this question and know that
THIS IS JUST A MADE UP STORY!
A nice little script you've created in your mind so as to not disrupt the balance of the family, society, circle of friends.

Be grateful for the role you have had up until now, it has no doubt taught you many lessons, and go on to disrupt the balance! Create your own role for yourself! Challenge what you know! Challenge what they tell you about you!

A good way to do this?

Amazing teacher and coach, Byron Katie, has just the answer!
Ask yourself:

"Is this 100% true? Is it absolutely true in all instances?"

Open your heart to the answer, sit back and enjoy where your new story will take you!

On creating Judgements

I was having a conversation with a potential partner yesterday (isn't creating a potential business partners so much fun?) and I had some objections to his ideas.

I must admit (and this is painful!) I wasn't aware that I was objecting to what he had to say, until he pointed it out to me, in a very subtle manner, bless his soul! Not that objections are bad, on the contrary! What's important is to be aware if the way we are objecting is taking the relationship forward or if it's building a gap between the communicators. (More on objections in a later post)

There are several ways of reacting to a situation where someone points out a behavior you have that is bothering them or is not leading the relationship forward in the most powerful manner (simply put-receiving feedback).

There is the way in which you say "Darn, look at what I've done again, I'm such a dunce! This potential partner will think I'm clueless and won't want to work with me".  Thus, shrinking your wings.

Another way is to think: "What an ass, can't this guy see that what I am saying is right and what he's saying is wrong?" Thus, supposing your wings are bigger than the other's.

Both of the above come from judgement. Judging yourself or judging another is only human. We all do it, some of us do it more than others.
In his book, "Communion With God", Neale Donald Walsch talks about the 10 Illusions of Humans. He talks about judgement and poses some very illuminating questions:

"...why should a simple observation about you make you so uncomfortable? Is simply observing that someone is so really a judgement? Couldn't it be merely an observation?"

Judgement will never help you get where you want to be. In its best, it might keep you busy, with something to think about or nag about.

The most constructive way of reacting to what another has to say about you is to say to yourself:
"What can I learn from this?"
Receive the information, be genuinely grateful for it, because it might, potentially, be saving you lots of trouble, and stay with the information without judgement.  Evaluate if the information is interesting or not.
If it is, act accordingly, modify, rectify, change!

Now, I'm not saying that you need to process this straight away. I was once coaching a very experienced entrepreneur who had difficulty taking in my feedback, he felt he had to counter attack everything I was saying. After a few weeks, I found out from a colleague of his, that he changed his way of approaching his next client, having taken what I said on board.

Remember, whatever others have to say about your behavior is merely information.
Judging yourself or the other has no place in this!
What's important is to take what is being said on board (as uncomfortable as that might sound, it only takes practice) and evaluate if this information will help you be who you want to be and get where you want to get, or if it won't.
If it will, act accordingly, adapt, modify, rectify, change!