What's stopping you from being who you want to be?
What's stopping you from doing what you want to do?
What story do you feed in your mind about yourself that stops you from taking the next step to get to where you REALLY want to get?
I will tell you my favorite story if you promise to spend some time on this question.
For me, it was: "I am not enough"!
Having had the fortune (and I say this with all my heart as I truly feel blessed for my upbringing) of being born the younger child, comparisons are the norm rather than the exception, in most cases. The older child is kind of freed from that burden, given that anything he/she does is "oohhhh soooooo cccuuuuutteee!!!"
It is usually from the second child on that roles are assigned and comparisons are made.
"My first is so sociable, while my second is so alienated!"
" Bobby is the smart one, Danny is the funny one and Lola is the angel"
"I had no problem when the older one first went to school, yet the younger one gave me such trouble! He's going to be a rebel, I can see it!"
We are given roles, titles and guess what? Little Danny, sweet Lola and all of us do EVERYTHING to fulfill the role our parents assign to us! How can we not? We love them so much! Plus, what do we know? Our parents are so tall and all knowing!!
There is a natural mechanism inside our unconscious mind that thinks: "If I do become sociable as you always say I am, will you love me more? If I act like the smart one, will you love me more?"
I was the ugly one!
When I was a small baby, my father thought I was so ugly! My first years didn't make much of an impact on him either. I was still the ugly one.
On the other hand, my older sister was beautiful! She was a beauty queen ever since she was born, bless her, she still is to this day, may I add! A real head turner!
So the first "I am not enough" was born, right around the time I was too: I was not pretty enough!
Years went by and "not-pretty-enough" little me joined older sister in going to school. We are 5 years apart, which gave her a good head start at learning how to be the "proper, beautiful girl" in school. She was, from grade 1 until the very last day of high school, on the top 1% of the dean's list! Academically, she was a star! There was rarely a B in her report card, God forbid a C or D (OK, maybe in P.E. - being so tall and having such long legs (!!!) meant she was a little clumsy).
How could little me compete with that? Automatically, I became the "not smart enough" child! Oh how I lived up to that one!! This role was enforced by my teachers. I still recall one who asked me a question and I, of course, was too busy involved with my neighbor's jokes to know the answer. To which I received a: "Your sister would have known the answer"! She didn't have to actually do it, yet "You are not smart enough" was written all over the blackboard-for everyone to see!
I was simply not enough! Or so little me thought!
It took me years of therapy and coaching to realize that this is the story I created in my mind to keep me in my "comfort zone". Painful as it might feel sometimes, being in the role our almost prophet-like parents designate for us is always desirable. We foster a secret hope for their approval, and sometimes die trying to get it!
What is your story? What role have you fulfilled in life?
Are you lazy?
Are you not prepared enough?
Are you a magnet for disaster?
Are you a bad boy/girl?
Awareness is the first step to change. Spend some time on this question and know that
THIS IS JUST A MADE UP STORY!
A nice little script you've created in your mind so as to not disrupt the balance of the family, society, circle of friends.
Be grateful for the role you have had up until now, it has no doubt taught you many lessons, and go on to disrupt the balance! Create your own role for yourself! Challenge what you know! Challenge what they tell you about you!
A good way to do this?
Amazing teacher and coach, Byron Katie, has just the answer!
Ask yourself:
"Is this 100% true? Is it absolutely true in all instances?"
Open your heart to the answer, sit back and enjoy where your new story will take you!
What's stopping you from doing what you want to do?
What story do you feed in your mind about yourself that stops you from taking the next step to get to where you REALLY want to get?
I will tell you my favorite story if you promise to spend some time on this question.
For me, it was: "I am not enough"!
Having had the fortune (and I say this with all my heart as I truly feel blessed for my upbringing) of being born the younger child, comparisons are the norm rather than the exception, in most cases. The older child is kind of freed from that burden, given that anything he/she does is "oohhhh soooooo cccuuuuutteee!!!"
It is usually from the second child on that roles are assigned and comparisons are made.
"My first is so sociable, while my second is so alienated!"
" Bobby is the smart one, Danny is the funny one and Lola is the angel"
"I had no problem when the older one first went to school, yet the younger one gave me such trouble! He's going to be a rebel, I can see it!"
We are given roles, titles and guess what? Little Danny, sweet Lola and all of us do EVERYTHING to fulfill the role our parents assign to us! How can we not? We love them so much! Plus, what do we know? Our parents are so tall and all knowing!!
There is a natural mechanism inside our unconscious mind that thinks: "If I do become sociable as you always say I am, will you love me more? If I act like the smart one, will you love me more?"
I was the ugly one!
When I was a small baby, my father thought I was so ugly! My first years didn't make much of an impact on him either. I was still the ugly one.
On the other hand, my older sister was beautiful! She was a beauty queen ever since she was born, bless her, she still is to this day, may I add! A real head turner!
So the first "I am not enough" was born, right around the time I was too: I was not pretty enough!
Years went by and "not-pretty-enough" little me joined older sister in going to school. We are 5 years apart, which gave her a good head start at learning how to be the "proper, beautiful girl" in school. She was, from grade 1 until the very last day of high school, on the top 1% of the dean's list! Academically, she was a star! There was rarely a B in her report card, God forbid a C or D (OK, maybe in P.E. - being so tall and having such long legs (!!!) meant she was a little clumsy).
How could little me compete with that? Automatically, I became the "not smart enough" child! Oh how I lived up to that one!! This role was enforced by my teachers. I still recall one who asked me a question and I, of course, was too busy involved with my neighbor's jokes to know the answer. To which I received a: "Your sister would have known the answer"! She didn't have to actually do it, yet "You are not smart enough" was written all over the blackboard-for everyone to see!
I was simply not enough! Or so little me thought!
It took me years of therapy and coaching to realize that this is the story I created in my mind to keep me in my "comfort zone". Painful as it might feel sometimes, being in the role our almost prophet-like parents designate for us is always desirable. We foster a secret hope for their approval, and sometimes die trying to get it!
What is your story? What role have you fulfilled in life?
Are you lazy?
Are you not prepared enough?
Are you a magnet for disaster?
Are you a bad boy/girl?
Awareness is the first step to change. Spend some time on this question and know that
THIS IS JUST A MADE UP STORY!
A nice little script you've created in your mind so as to not disrupt the balance of the family, society, circle of friends.
Be grateful for the role you have had up until now, it has no doubt taught you many lessons, and go on to disrupt the balance! Create your own role for yourself! Challenge what you know! Challenge what they tell you about you!
A good way to do this?
Amazing teacher and coach, Byron Katie, has just the answer!
Ask yourself:
"Is this 100% true? Is it absolutely true in all instances?"
Open your heart to the answer, sit back and enjoy where your new story will take you!
Very well written. Bravo Elena. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThank you Imao. Very glad you enjoyed it! Are you willing to share with me your own story? :-)
ReplyDeleteWAY TO GO! MTO BEM ESCRITO!!!!! BUT....I have to tell u that I don't agree! In my case, and many cases I've seen around the oldest child is so much more under the pressure of the great expectations the parents have towards them... our grades matter more, our attitude has to be perfect, manners... EVERYTHING! Have you taken your time to notice that the youngest children of large families can always do so many things that the oldest brothers/sisters could't even dream of doing? I'm talking as an oldest child and also as the mother of 2 (being the youngest the one with the perfect grades etc etc etc)... So, guess I felt the pressure while you were feeling it too even though I was the oldest and you were the youngest... ahahahahahahhaaa..... NULY!?! HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT DID YOU FEEL?!!!! luv luv luv to all ! luiao4e&e&e
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Delete"In my case, and many cases I've seen around the oldest child is so much more under the pressure of the great expectations the parents have towards them... our grades matter more, our attitude has to be perfect, manners... EVERYTHING"
Would you say this is your story? :-)
Luv to you!
Very to the point Elena!!! i wish i was in the family in that fiction story though .... in my family the firstborn (me) was the Guinea Pig :D :D :D
ReplyDeleteExcellent post as far as the youngest child is concerned. However, I totally agree with Anonymous! As the older child, I can assure you that ALL the pressure falls on Ms. "Beauty Queen". The older child just cannot dissapoint. Never. A "B" is not acceptable. By the way, being ugly is not acceptable... However wierd that may sound... The older child doesn´t want to talk to Aunt Estrogilda tonight, because she studied for 10 subjects, her school sweetheart doesn´t know she exists and she´s being "bullied" by this girl in school (but remember, she´s perfect, so she can´t say a word). So there goes Perfect Ms. Fisrt Born to allow Aunt What´s Her Face to squeeze her poor cheeks until they get sore...
ReplyDeleteAnd all this for what? "You have to give the example to your pretty tiny little sister, that looks up to you!"
And suddenly you feel your heart fill with pride as you look at those small eyes, looking up at you, as if you were Wonder Woman! And it´s all right to have your cheeks pinched and your grades high! After all, it´s for a good cause!
I love the way older children are coming forth with their own stories! :-) Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI leave you with a question: Is it 100% true that the older child can't disappoint? Can you, older children, think of a time you disappointed and still were accepted and loved?
We ALL have been accepted and loved no matter what! Pressure or no pressure! Older, younger or little "middle people"... But it is TRUE, TRUE, TRUE that we older people cannot disappoint... Setting examples since the day the tiny ones show up... (and before that to make our parents proud when family and friends come forth with compliments!!!) and when the fortunate 2nds or 3rds or 4ths arrive... ohhh lucky people!!!! Funny little ones can do just anything... labelled cute for life! hahahahahahhaaa...... Don't get me wrong! I love my brother! hahahahahahahhahaaa......
ReplyDeleteYes, I can remember many episodes... big and small... and Thank God for the wonderful parents I have, I never felt rejection, or pressure, or even a look of disapproval for what I had done, unconsciously or not.
ReplyDeleteIn a divorce situation, where the child getting a divorce, (in this case me, the first-born) needs all the support that parents can give, but at the same time, brings forth feelings of failure to all involved, my parents were right there, supportive, never once reprimanding my decision. I felt not only loved, but understood by them, part of them. I fully realized that they saw me as an individual, that they loved me no matter what, respected my life, my decisions and my opinions. They had raised me for life, not as an "extension" os themselves, as unfortunately so many parents do, especially to their older chid.