Celebrating Women

"Healthy wolves and healthy women share certain psychic characteristics: keen sensing, playful spirit, a heightened capacity for devotion. Wolves and women are relational by nature, inquiring, possessed of great endurance and strength. They are deeply intuitive, intensely concerned with their young, their mates and their pack. They are experienced in adapting to constantly changing circumstances; they are fiercely stalwart and very brave.

Yet both have been hounded, harassed, and falsely imputed to be devouring and devious, overly aggressive, of less value than those who are their detractors. They have been the targets of those who would clean up the wilds as well as the wildish environs of the psyche, extincting the instinctual and leaving no trace of it behind. The predation of wolves and women by those who misunderstand them is strikingly similar."
Excerpt from "Women Who Run With Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Happy International Women's Day to all strong, playful, intuitive, intense and brave women out there!
You are powerful beyond your belief!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8zMBoQ6WdQ

What's your story?

What's stopping you from being who you want to be?
What's stopping you from doing what you want to do?

What story do you feed in your mind about yourself that stops you from taking the next step to get to where you REALLY want to get?

I will tell you my favorite story if you promise to spend some time on this question.

For me, it was: "I am not enough"!
Having had the fortune (and I say this with all my heart as I truly feel blessed for my upbringing) of being born the younger child, comparisons are the norm rather than the exception, in most cases. The older child is kind of freed from that burden, given that anything he/she does is "oohhhh soooooo cccuuuuutteee!!!"

It is usually from the second child on that roles are assigned and comparisons are made.

"My first is so sociable, while my second is so alienated!"

" Bobby is the smart one, Danny is the funny one and Lola is the angel"

"I had no problem when the older one first went to school, yet the younger one gave me such trouble! He's going to be a rebel, I can see it!"

We are given roles, titles and guess what? Little Danny, sweet Lola and all of us do EVERYTHING to fulfill the role our parents assign to us! How can we not? We love them so much! Plus, what do we know? Our parents are so tall and all knowing!!

There is a natural mechanism inside our unconscious mind that thinks: "If I do become sociable as you always say I am, will you love me more? If I act like the smart one, will you love me more?"

I was the ugly one!
When I was a small baby, my father thought I was so ugly! My first years didn't make much of an impact on him either. I was still the ugly one.
On the other hand, my older sister was beautiful! She was a beauty queen ever since she was born, bless her, she still is to this day, may I add! A real head turner!

So the first "I am not enough" was born, right around the time I was too: I was not pretty enough!

Years went by and "not-pretty-enough" little me joined older sister in going to school. We are 5 years apart, which gave her a good head start at learning how to be the "proper, beautiful girl" in school. She was, from grade 1 until the very last day of high school, on the top 1% of the dean's list! Academically, she was a star! There was rarely a B in her report card, God forbid a C or D (OK, maybe in P.E. - being so tall and having such long legs (!!!) meant she was a little clumsy).

How could little me compete with that? Automatically, I became the "not smart enough" child! Oh how I lived up to that one!! This role was enforced by my teachers. I still recall one who asked me a question and I, of course, was too busy involved with my neighbor's jokes to know the answer. To which I received a: "Your sister would have known the answer"! She didn't have to actually do it, yet "You are not smart enough" was written all over the blackboard-for everyone to see!

I was simply not enough! Or so little me thought!

It took me years of therapy and coaching to realize that this is the story I created in my mind to keep me in my "comfort zone". Painful as it might feel sometimes, being in the role our almost prophet-like parents designate for us is always desirable. We foster a secret hope for their approval, and sometimes die trying to get it!

What is your story? What role have you fulfilled in life?

Are you lazy?

Are you not prepared enough?

Are you a magnet for disaster?

Are you a bad boy/girl?

Awareness is the first step to change. Spend some time on this question and know that
THIS IS JUST A MADE UP STORY!
A nice little script you've created in your mind so as to not disrupt the balance of the family, society, circle of friends.

Be grateful for the role you have had up until now, it has no doubt taught you many lessons, and go on to disrupt the balance! Create your own role for yourself! Challenge what you know! Challenge what they tell you about you!

A good way to do this?

Amazing teacher and coach, Byron Katie, has just the answer!
Ask yourself:

"Is this 100% true? Is it absolutely true in all instances?"

Open your heart to the answer, sit back and enjoy where your new story will take you!

On creating Judgements

I was having a conversation with a potential partner yesterday (isn't creating a potential business partners so much fun?) and I had some objections to his ideas.

I must admit (and this is painful!) I wasn't aware that I was objecting to what he had to say, until he pointed it out to me, in a very subtle manner, bless his soul! Not that objections are bad, on the contrary! What's important is to be aware if the way we are objecting is taking the relationship forward or if it's building a gap between the communicators. (More on objections in a later post)

There are several ways of reacting to a situation where someone points out a behavior you have that is bothering them or is not leading the relationship forward in the most powerful manner (simply put-receiving feedback).

There is the way in which you say "Darn, look at what I've done again, I'm such a dunce! This potential partner will think I'm clueless and won't want to work with me".  Thus, shrinking your wings.

Another way is to think: "What an ass, can't this guy see that what I am saying is right and what he's saying is wrong?" Thus, supposing your wings are bigger than the other's.

Both of the above come from judgement. Judging yourself or judging another is only human. We all do it, some of us do it more than others.
In his book, "Communion With God", Neale Donald Walsch talks about the 10 Illusions of Humans. He talks about judgement and poses some very illuminating questions:

"...why should a simple observation about you make you so uncomfortable? Is simply observing that someone is so really a judgement? Couldn't it be merely an observation?"

Judgement will never help you get where you want to be. In its best, it might keep you busy, with something to think about or nag about.

The most constructive way of reacting to what another has to say about you is to say to yourself:
"What can I learn from this?"
Receive the information, be genuinely grateful for it, because it might, potentially, be saving you lots of trouble, and stay with the information without judgement.  Evaluate if the information is interesting or not.
If it is, act accordingly, modify, rectify, change!

Now, I'm not saying that you need to process this straight away. I was once coaching a very experienced entrepreneur who had difficulty taking in my feedback, he felt he had to counter attack everything I was saying. After a few weeks, I found out from a colleague of his, that he changed his way of approaching his next client, having taken what I said on board.

Remember, whatever others have to say about your behavior is merely information.
Judging yourself or the other has no place in this!
What's important is to take what is being said on board (as uncomfortable as that might sound, it only takes practice) and evaluate if this information will help you be who you want to be and get where you want to get, or if it won't.
If it will, act accordingly, adapt, modify, rectify, change!

The way of the Samurai

Today was a busy day! 
Busy, busy, busy! 


I had so many things to do, places to go, people to talk to. Albeit the fatigue at the end of the day, I felt great about myself. Ahhh, the feeling of getting things done! Moving and shaking! 


Keeping busy and running around makes me feel important because it is a way to prove to myself that I have people to attend to, situations to take care of. 


Allowing myself to lay down on my oversized sofa, a realization I couldn't shake off my shoulders just sat there, making the busy day's satisfaction turn to dust. What whipped me like the blade of a sword was the understanding that that which kept me busy the whole day is not necessarily what is going to get me where I really want to be. 


Remaining busy allows us to feel loved and valuable. Answering emails, telephone calls, helping friends and business partners out, all the admirable activities an honorable person has got to do to get through a productive day.  


Unsuccessfully, I tried to muffle the questions that were getting louder in my head: how focused was I today on what I really want? How focused was I on my latest goal? Did I dedicate myself in a continual, uninterrupted manner towards my goal, my target? 


So you might say that your goal is a long term goal, it won't happen even if you do dedicate yourself to it for three hours straight.  To that I say, break your goal down! Choose a smaller, short term goal that will allow you to remain focused and will lead you unequivocally to the long term one.  Breaking down your goals is a good way to make them sharper, so you can powerfully focus on what's at hand at the moment, always working towards arriving at the bigger picture. 


The Time Matrix below is a great tool to help you keep on track with your priorities. 

 1.                                                                     2.

Important and Urgent ie. Some phone calls Emergencies Crises	Important and Not Urgent ie. Planning Preparation Solidifying relationships
3. Not Important and Urgent ie. Emails Distractions Some meetings Some phone calls 1. What needs to be done straight away. No way of getting around it.  3. Items that need to be minimized or eliminated altogether, they suck up our time.	4. Not Important and Not Urgent ie. Trivia Chat Time wasters Unnecessary tasks 2. Steven Covey, author of the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" argues that this is what we should focus on if we really want to achieve our goals. 4. To do only when you have time to kill!

How do you think this modern day Samurai achieved his goal? 

I am exactly where I am supposed to be!

Sometimes being a woman bores me!

Today I had all these creepy thoughts furiously running around in my mind!
Why are you single for such a long time? Why haven't you settled in a relationship? Why didn't you hold on with all your might to the relationships you have settled in to?

There was so much background noise, so many thoughts of fear and judgement.  Judgement of myself, judgement of the universe and of destiny. Judgement of men!

Then a voice asked me "Do you really trust the universe? Do you really trust the power of faith and of letting go? If you do, if you REALLY do, trust the universe now!
Trust that it's got your highest good and interest at hand at ALL times, not just some of the times."

Then I realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, as we all are.

No matter where you are at this moment; no matter what you are going through; pain of separation, pain of loss (financial loss, losing a loved one, losing your status) or longing to be loved - you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be.

We are where we are because we are learning. We are constantly learning. We are everyday creating our life and our reality. We might not be aware of it, yet every thought, every move we make is a new, miraculous chance to create the world we want to live in.

The beautiful thing about our life is that we indeed ARE as strong as the Creator, we ARE the Creator!
All we need to do is become aware of our creative power. Become aware of the thoughts we create in our head every single moment of the day.
Become aware of the words we speak and the way we relate to ourselves and others.

The country I am currently living in, Greece, is in total economic and political chaos!
I choose not to listen to the news. I choose not to turn on the television as not to let my thoughts be influenced by others' needs and desperation.  Some call me crazy, others call me aloof. I call myself happy and free!

Why am I single? Because that is what I have created at this moment!
Being single allows me to stay awake all night reading my favorite book. Being single allows me to just be and not have to worry about manicure and pedicure. Being single allows me to feel one man's warmth on one night and listen to another man's stories on the following night.

Sometimes being a woman is so exciting!

Fall off your bike!

Working with my coach is like learning to ride a bike.

As little kids, when we are first learning to ride our bikes, there is so much uncertainty. Everything is scary, the sensation of being on two wheels is so different from anything we have ever experienced! It's no wonder you often see little kids screaming as they are first left to pedal by themselves. Scary and exciting!

Then they fall!

Little kids fall off their bikes all the time! Some of them cry, some might laugh, others might want to sit down and catch their breath for a while. The miracle of watching a little kid riding his bike is that he will always get up again. She will always dust herself off and get on that bike one more time, give it one more try!

When we fall as adults, we tend to have so much difficulty in remembering to simply and gracefully dust ourselves off and get up on that bike again. We are afraid of what others will say! We think about how it will affect our so sought after and cherished reputation.

Falling off my bike is not an option! You know who I am? Do you have any ideas how many degrees I have mounted on my wall?

Yes, yes, I see who you are and how much you have invested in building your persona, yet I ask you: are you courageous enough to fall?

Are you courageous enough to share your true feelings without fear of rejection?
Are you brave enough to speak up in a meeting even if you think your idea/question might be criticized or challenged? Can you fall off that bike?
Are you daring enough to step forward, even if you fear your project won't work out. Not trying something new, like a new job because others might think you aren't as important anymore. After all, you are still LEARNING! You don't have it all together? You might still FALL OFF YOUR BIKE?

Children are our best teachers! Their fearlessness and their capacity to view everything as possible is what we as adults need to model more of!
Remaining open to falling down, failing, getting up and trying again is what leads us to true freedom. Freedom to move along knowing that if you fall, you have the choice to get up again.
And try again!

I challenge my clients to try new ways of being. New behaviors, new habits, new rituals. These new ways lead to liberation, to coming out of that box that others have crafted so tightly (and lovingly) around us.

If you find yourself trying to come out of the box and falling while you're at it - fear not!
Children don't, why should you?

International Coaching Week!

It's International Coaching Week!

Founded in 1999, the International Coaching Week is a time for coaches to inform the general public of the amazing value and results of a coaching process and of working with a professional coach.

I'm excited to share with you the work of Michael Bungay Stanier, who has interviewed countless authors and leaders to find out what motivates them and also what are the difficulties they have overcome to achieve the great work they put forth in the world.

I am particularly delighted in sharing with you his "Practical Coaching Series: Essential Interviews With Coaches You Need to Know About" as my inspiring coach, Rich Litvin, is featured as one of 7 thought leaders worth knowing more about. Rich has coached me for the last 6 months and I have seen and experienced an exponential difference in the way I fearlessly and powerfully face the world, each small step at a time.  It is tremendously gratifying to incorporate the knowledge I gain from Rich in the work with my own clients.

So, happy International Coaching Week to all and may you all have the opportunity to be deeply listened to by a sensitive and stimulating coach regardless of which point you find yourself in life. What you will find, after a great coaching experience, is that you can always choose to move to another, even more fulfilling point. Best of all, it's loads of FUN!

Practical Coaching Series: Essential Interviews with Coaches You Need to Know About 

VIA Box of Crayons Blog

It’s International Coaching Week – hurrah!

Much as I love professional coaches – hey, I am one after all – my real passion is about making coaching just a regular part of the way we work.  In particular, how can you as a busy manager and leader use coaching more often to increase the focus, impact and meaning of the work you and those around you do.

Peter Block, a man I constantly hold up as a deep influence on my work, said it best:

Coaching is not a profession.
It’s a way of being with one another.

Indeed.

I’ve had the good luck of interviewing some fantastic coaching thought-leaders over the last number of years as part of the Great Work Interview series.

Here are 7 thought leaders you might be interested to hear. Listen for the useful insights and tactics they share – your coaching will be richer as a result.

Sir John Whitmore is one of the fathers of the coaching profession and author of the influential Coaching for Performance.

Cinnie Noble, the leading figure in the world of Conflict Management Coaching which just happens to be the name of her new book.

Mary Beth O’Neill, author of one of the best books I know about executive coaching, Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart.

Rich Litvin, who does fantastic work about probing the secret of confidence.’

Eddie Erlandson who with his business and life partner Kate Ludeman wrote Alpha Male Syndrome, a book in coaching those “A types” (men and women) in organizations.

David Rock, who’s at the head of the pack when it comes to connecting the findings of neuroscience with the art of leadership and management and who’s book Your Brain at Work is destined to be a classic.

Dan Coyle, author of the very fine book The Talent Code that talks about what “deep practice” really means.

And if you’re interested in hearing some internal practitioners…

Sally Bonneywell, Head of Coaching for the global pharma company GSK.

Carl Oxholm, leader of the coaching initiative at the professional service firm pwc.

Listen up, pick up some tips, then go flex some coaching muscle.